31 August 2009

Takes One To Know One

Every time we lose something or someone precious to us, we lose a little part of ourselves. And sometimes we keep losing and losing, till there is very little left. Your personality, your love, your ideals, every single part of you. But it is how much you allow yourself to lose. I am saying that some you can control, and some losses, you can't. Then comes the outcome. What have you learned? What did you gain? Have you become more optimistic, or is your outlook towards life and others more pessimistic? Who were you before, who are you now, and who you are becoming. Do you know? Can you tell?

"When we think of loss we think of the loss, through death, of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we lose not only through death, but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love, but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety - and the loss of our own younger self, the self that thought it always would be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal." — Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses

Honestly, I always get tangled up in situations and then get confused about who I really am. Situations that sometimes are really bad for me. My mind becomes clouded by all the things that are around me. My judgments are not always right, but I learn from the wrong ones. It is all just a matter of time. Once bitten, twice shy. But I am not feeling it. Does it make me ridiculous? Does it make me stupid? What am I doing with my life now? Where am I going? I don't know. I am yet at another crossroad, where there are decisions to be made. To whom can I cry out to? Who would listen and understand what I am going through? You? You? Or maybe you? I don't expect anyone to, for I am not anyone's responsibility. Everyone has something to say about something, and I respect all the opinions given. I take into consideration what I listen from those that matters. Because I don't base my decisions on the advice of people who don't have to deal with the results.

In the end, it all boils down to me again.

What I want. What I need in live. Who are those significant to me. How far would I go for my dreams. Whom do I love. What do I care about. Above all, what I want to be, right now, at this very moment. And in the future.

No one else is going to live my life for me but me.

So I ask -

To live in fear, or to have faith?

To fear and have the cause driven away and avoid it,

or to have faith, exercise it and take action?

Follow my head, or my heart? Or both?

I am sorry, for I do not attempt to please everybody.

Because I just can't. To those who love and care for me, I know you do. I love you too. All I ask is for you to be there by my side. To trust me, encourage me, teach me, love me even when I am unworthy, and to never give up on me. I hope it is not too much.

Love is like Pi.. Natural, irrational and very important.

Maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be, the door must always be left unlocked. -Howard Jones, What Is Love?

Maybe it's best to just wait and see.

You're such a poet
I wish I could be Wesley Willis
My words would flow like honey
Sweet and laid on thick
You're so edgy
You don't even need a rhyming dictionary
I wipe my hands on your jeans
Cause they are more distressed
So they say you've got a CD
And they claim you can barely read
But you say don't bother me with all of your reality

But it could be so simple
(you were thinking)
Life should be that simple
(Who would have thought it)
I wish it were just so simple
(don't know what you were thinking)
But the point's been missed
You've made a mess
Who would have guessed
That it's as simple as it seems

So what, you're a genius
But you've got a lot to learn
Like the time you lost your apartment
Cause you bought too much Vuitton
You park in a loading zone
You sleep with the lights all on
You cross your i's and dot your t's
All it goes to show

That it could be so simple
(you were thinking)
Life should be that simple
(Who would have thought it)
I wish it were just that simple
(don't know what you were thinking)
The point's been missed
We've made a mess
Who would have guessed
That it's as simple as it seems

I'm not saying that it's a piece of cake
Just take a moment to reevaluate
The possibilities
The situations
The opportunities
That are waiting
Oh, the possibilities
Oh, I

It could, it could be that simple
(you were thinking)
Life should be that simple
(Who would have thought it)
I wish it were just so simple
(don't know what you were thinking)
You're in a haze
It's just a phase
You know this maze
Is as simple as it seems

We could talk all day
About your eccentricities
What I mean to say
Oh, is that I need you listen please
And focus on life's simplicities
So don't be afraid to strip it away
Cause at the end of the day
It's still as simple as it seems

It is all so simple
Just deal with it

I wish it could be that simple.

22 August 2009

I'm Blue Da Ba Dee Da Ba Da

These few days, it felt as if life was really kicking me in the arse. Everything was just going against me. I was in a quiet quiet mood, live show was not as good as the week before. Working in a group is actually much harder than it was ever before. Especially in broadcasting. Much more than you can imagine. I realized that sometimes people won't always see things the way you see it, and to them it's a totally different thing. Which kinda sucks, because everyone wants to defend themselves and prove that their way and perceptions are right. So at times, it's just better to give in, no? Hmm. I don't know. But I sure as hell won't give up on myself and working for the team.

You fall, you get back up. That's a fighter's spirit.

I'm so glad to be back in Ipoh. Although it's only for like, 2 days or maybe less. Home is always the best place to be. "What's so nice bout Ipoh?", you'd ask. Being around my wonderful family, going to old town kopitiam for tea, better internet access at home, watched UP, the Pixar animation which was awesome, topped up my storage of movies and tv series, and not forgetting the good company I've had. What could be better than that? Nothing that I can think of for now. Am going back to UPM tomorrow, won't be back till the raya break. Yeah, I'm gonna be in KL for Merdeka. Don't want to travel because it's school holidays and it'll be such a hassle.

My baby sister's getting sick. Pray that she'll recover soon. The other sister will be having her UPSR exam in 2 weeks time. My brother's SPM trials will be coming up in a week's time, I think. Mom and dad are doing alright but have been better. I wanna stay home and not go back. Such a homely girl, aren't I? Teehee. Figured my life's pretty boring tho. I need to make it more happening.

Anyhoo, time to sleep. *yawn* Gotta be up early tomorrow.
Goodnight, aliens. (=

20 August 2009

'Cause I Don't Think That They'd Understand

And you taught me what this feels like.
And then how it feels to lose it.
And you showed me who I wanted.
And then who I wasn’t.
And you ticked every box.
And then drew a line.
And you weren’t mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything I wanted.
And then became something I hated.
And you get thought of every day.
And then not in a good way.
And you let me leave.
And then wish I’d stayed.
And you almost killed me.
But I didn’t die.

— I Wrote This For You